There is no accounting for the ways of the heart. While you may know better than to fall for someone who is not single, it is not so easy to compel your emotions to see logic or even plain common sense. Unfortunately such tangles often lead to a great deal of heartache all around. So if you find yourself falling in love with someone who is already in a relationship, here are some things you need to consider.
Be honest with yourself
No matter how perfect the object of love is, you would agree that falling for someone who is already in a relationship is not an ideal state of affairs. So if you wish to resolve this, first of all you need to come clear on your motivations. It is not uncommon for people to be attracted to married partners or those who are ‘taken’ as it were. This could be because of the attraction of a no-strings relationship where single partners who date married people often do so because they know the affair does not come with any expectations of a long-term commitment. Each side can meet up together for some fun and games but essentially be free to lead his/her own life separately. Or it could be that you enjoy the temptation of the forbidden fruit. Very often the attraction that a single person may feel for a married/engaged lover may have to do with the excitement of doing something unconventional, risqué or even immoral. Then again individuals with a strong competitive streak in their personality may also be attracted to married partners. Such a person may actively woo a married or committed partner if only to prove that he/she is superior to the rival when it comes having the goods that attract mates. If none of these motivations ring true for you, it is possible that you have fallen for the person for all the qualities he/she possesses and it is simply unfortunate that he/she happens to be in another relationship. Thus a woman may be attracted to the calm maturity, experience and even sexual skills of a married man, especially if she has been with young single men in the past and been put off by their brash, insecure and callow behavior. Once you are able to zero in on the reasons why you have fallen for this person, you have taken the first step to do something about it.
Three is a crowd
When you fall in love with someone who is in a relationship, it is easy to start obsessing about his/her primary partner. If you don’t know him/her, you may be tempted to fantasize about their supposed attractiveness, sex appeal, financial success or any such traits which compel your beloved to remain with him/her. Again if you do know the other person, you might be assailed with emotions of jealousy and anger towards them. Such thoughts are always unhelpful since you cannot really do much about the fact that your beloved’s primary partner is richer or more attractive than you. What’s worse though is that in the long run, these thoughts can be harmful even. You may keep obsessing about your rival till you are so overwrought with envy and despair that you begin to neglect your own life. If you find yourself falling into this behavior pattern, get out now before it is too late and you go spiraling down into an abyss of self-pity and negativity.
Try and get over it
Being in love with someone who can never be yours is a painful state to be in. If you truly believe that there is no chance that your beloved will leave his/her partner for you, it is best to move on. Try to have life with varied interests. Pick up a new hobby or learn a new language. Join a course in which you were always interested but never had time for. If you did not have a job earlier, look for one now. Once you fill your life with things to do and learn, you will be too busy to obsess about someone who you could not have. Also while it may seem difficult at first make a definite attempt to get back to the social circuit. Go out with friends and co-workers. Attend parties and celebrations but try to be part of a larger group. Give yourself time to put your pain behind before you rejoin the dating scene. Keep yourself open to making friends and meeting interesting people but at the same time don’t rush to a rebound relationship. Even after your best efforts if you find that you cannot get over the person, then take the help of a counselor. It is much easier for a professional therapist to come up with effective solutions which will help you to cope with your feelings of rejection and get on with your life.
However under certain circumstances you may be justified in being hopeful even if your beloved is in another relationship at present. It could be that he/she finds in you a moral and emotional companion that they cannot find in their primary partners. More significantly your beloved might be in a genuinely unhappy relationship and it is only a matter of time before he/she opts out. Once your married partner is able to regain control over his/her life and make his/her own choices, you may see your patience rewarded and your love returned.
Yet another scenario when it may be alright to entertain hopes of a committed man or woman is when they are going through the process of a divorce. Your beloved may have filed for divorce after being in a bad marriage for quite a while. And since filing for divorce is not the same thing as being finally divorced, it means that until the process is through, your partner and his/her spouse are still married for all legal purposes. So until the time your partner’s divorce comes through, it may be OK for you to consider dating him/her. At the same time though ascertain for sure that this is also something that the other person wants. He/she may be too emotionally traumatized to jump into another relationship right away or be untrusting of potential partners.
Finally consider the fact that you can still love someone without being in a romantic relationship with him/her. The most beautiful aspects of love like affection, trust and mutually enjoyment in each other’s company can all be possible without romance or sex. So instead of wringing your hands over the impossibility of a ‘relationship’ with the person why not instead take pleasure in the harmonious equation you share with that person?